Surprise!!!

So, I throw Steve a surprise 40th birthday party on Saturday. He was COMPLETELY surprised, can't believe I pulled it off. There were many hiccups along the way, but it came off just fine. Few things I would change but I guess you can't have everything. There were about 50 people there and he honestly couldn't believe that so many people would be there for him. What a night.

It unfortunately didn't end well and he and I are still dealing with some of those consequences. They are more than just from one day, there is a long stretch of not so good times between us. I'm not perfect, never claimed I was, but I can't figure out what I would have done previously (this life or if there are other lives) to have karma come and blindside me as much as she has done.

Wise person (BF's mother) once said that we are not given what we cannot handle...but I don't know how much more I can handle. I deserve happiness and I deserve to be treated the way I treat others, but not sure I'm getting that and I'm even less sure that the person I want to get it from can or will give it to me.

Have great things planned for this weekend, Steve's actual birthday is Saturday, and part of me doesn't want to go through with anything. Just completely spent on all of this...grrrr...