One more day...

until I celebrate my last birthday of my 30's. I have some mixed emotions on this and not because I'm closer to 40. For the last 5 years I haven't heard the story about when my parents found out they were getting me not have I heard the most horrible and beautiful rendition of happy birthday. Every year, except the first year I was in Mexico (and that's because she was in Paris), my Mom would tell me the story of when she first held me and how my brother went up to everyone to thank them for his beautiful baby sister. She would also sing me happy birthday and those who knew my Mom also know that she could not carry a tune to save her life! I do have someone who is just about as tone-deaf as my Mom so she normally sings to me and she does a great job in recreating the horrible and wonderful version of the song. But if I could just hear those both one more time...

Happy Friday all!!!

Happy Birthday!

Today my Mom would be 66! Happy Birthday Mom!!! Miss you every day, miss you even more today!

Yesterday I went to Philadelphia with my boss for a presentation and training session with one of our clients. It was a LONG day but it went REALLY well! It was nice to meet the people I have only emailed or spoken with on the phone in person and it was great to be able to interact with my boss outside of the office.

Since I was out of town, I missed my run yesterday and I definitely paid for it today. Chris (my trainer) made me try his 1,000 lbs challenge. The challenge is to carry a total of 1,000 pounds up and down 2 flights of stairs in 20 minutes. My goal was to go for the full 20 minutes and move 500 lbs. I achieved that goal and then some. I moved a total of 700 lbs. in 19:46. I think he should either modify it to be 5% of your body weight or give women an extra 2 1/2 to 5 minutes. I can't move 2 45 lb plates up and downstairs, but I can move 2 25 or 2 10 lb plates. I didn't even try the 35 lb plates...I stuck with what I knew I could do. Oh and this was after a 30 minute strength workout with him. I'm thrilled with what I did!

If I wasn't tired after my trip yesterday, I sure am now!

5 years

Can't believe its been 5 years!!! I think of you every day. Sometimes it makes me smile. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes it makes me feel loved. And sometimes it makes me feel so alone. Things weren't always perfect, we definitely had our differences. You wanted the best for me and I wanted to be able to experience things. You were right, of course.

You loved me unconditionally from the moment you first held me. I never went a day without knowing how much you cared for me and for Jay. I keep that love with me always and I miss it so much. I learned so much from you, you were my mentor, my best friend, something and someone you can never replace. I am who I am because of all that you did for me and all that you taught me.

I bought a new necklace to remind me of you. Its a simply heart inlaid with diamonds. Wearing it for the first time today. Everyone tells me that you are always with me. I keep you in my heart and now I have a physical representation of that. Forever in my heart. How appropriate.

I love and miss you Mom.

I would have preferred snow!

So the snow has stopped, but its been sleeting or raining since mid-morning. YUCK!!! So the snow is melting and we are expecting a flash freeze tonight. Really not looking forward to trying to get to my car tomorrow morning and driving to the gym on wicked icy roads.

Still thinking about what was happening 5 years ago this week. I'm not one for living in the past, but there are key moments in your life that will always be with you. I can say that I'm glad the weather wasn't like this then. Jay and I wouldn't have been able to get back to see her nor would Steffi been able to be with us. Jill wouldn't have been able to come up for the funeral. The weather was cool, but not freezing, especially for February standards. Things just came together for us, as best as the could considering the circumstances. Crazy how things happen that way sometimes.

My horoscope the last few days has been really spot on...

"The Moon enters your eighth house of sex, death and power, turning your mind to deep thoughts. The nature of life and death may perplex you when you try to understand it intellectually, so let go of any neurotic desire to make sense of what is not meant to be logical. Open your mind and heart if you want to be let in on the mysteries of life."

And yes, I still use the traditional dates and look at Gemini...there is no WAY I'm a Taurus!!! :)

Yet another snow day...

Sitting at my dining room table watching the latest round of snow falling...this is the first of 3 potential storms that is supposed to hit in the next 5 days. As of this storm, we had over 60 inches of snow. So that would mean if it was all still on the ground, I would be almost buried. This storm would definitely bury me though :) My landlord had his wife call me to see if I needed to get out today so that they could arrange for me to be plowed out. I'm lucky to be able to work for home, but it was nice to be in the office yesterday...maybe I can go back in on Thursday.

Five years ago today we decided to let Mom go. She needed dialysis, oxygen and probably either a feeding tube or iv nutrition...but that's not what she wanted. It was a hard decision emotionally but we all knew it was the right decision, there was no deliberation...we all knew it was time.

I've been in a funk about things, pretty emotional and just beating myself up. Its to be expected but I also know that I need to keep going forward. She would want me to remember her but she would want me to live. Just hard when your biggest cheerleader, best friend and mentor is gone. I keep going to keep her memory and legacy alive. My brother and I are her legacy and I'm so proud to be that...

Feeling old today...

Today is the 21st birthday of a friend of mine. Yes, I still have friends turning 21 :)

Emma is the daughter of my friends Adele and Saul who live near me and just amazing people! I met Emma on her 4th birthday...she was one of the kids in the class at the day care center I worked at in college. Emma turned 4 as I was starting my fall semester of my senior year. She's now starting the fall semester of her junior year at Smith, she the captain of their soccer team, and now legal to go and buy herself a drink. How scary is that!!!

I remember my 21st birthday very well. There was no crazy night out, there was no buying myself a drink. On my 21st birthday my Mom came home from the hospital after having 2 massive heart attacks. I was so happy to have her home, but I remember feeling a little cheated. So my aunt bought me a bottle of peppermint schnapps and my cousin and I sat on the front steps of my parents' house and drank grasshoppers. I also remember my mom giving me a stuffed bear with a honey jar with fake honey and bees all over him. She probably bought it at the gift shop in the hospital and it was probably a last ditch effort to hold on to her "little girl". Amazing how life goes sometimes...

Happy birthday Emma and congrats to Adele and Saul for getting this far! Its quite the accomplishment for you all!

Time to sing...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MOM,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Today would have been her 65th birthday!!!

Four years...

Its been that long since Mom passed away. I miss her every day but today it hurts a little more. I took the day off today, didn't want to deal with the stress of work and I figured it was a good idea to just be me. I had some errands to run, had lunch with a friend and got to see my comadre and her kids. Tonight just hanging with Lupe, keeping a low profile. Tomorrow back to work and have a massage scheduled in the evening.

7:32 pm February 3,2006...I will always remember where I was and how I watched the most influential and important person in my life let go of the pain and suffering she felt and endured in this life and move to a peaceful existence for all eternity.

I may have lost her in the physical sense (and how much I would love her to hug me again) but she is forever in my heart. I love and miss you Mom!

Its October already?

Which means fall, baseball playoffs, candy corn, Halloween and Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

This is a disease that has rocked my life too many times...(chronological in order of diagnosis)

Auntie Steffi - fought and beat it twice, once when I was a teenager and the second time just a couple of years ago.

Mom - fought and beat it in 2005. Treatment took a lot out of her, but I know she was proud to consider herself a breast cancer survivor.

Naoko - fought and beat it in 2005/6 as well. She is an amazing woman who kept her battle very private, but it worked!

Randi - okay, what do you do when one of the people you consider your sister tells you she has breast cancer at 32 and is 5 1/2 months pregnant? Happened in 2007 and after treatment and many surgeries later (and some still to come), she is even more beautiful and stronger than ever before. And did I mention that beautiful daughter of hers?

Julie - in the fight of her life and doing wonderfully! Julie just finished her first round of chemo and is gearing up for her second when she returns to CA next week. I had the pleasure of seeing her and her 15 month old adorable little boy, Cooper, last Friday. It was amazing day and she truly inspires me.

So, make sure you check yourself this month and stop and remember those who are fighting and fought...those who have won and those who have lost. Let's hope there is a cure for this soon!

Love to all!!!

In Training

Its official, I'm in training for this year's Tour de Cure. I'm really excited about the ride this year because its a new location (Saratoga Springs vs. Stillwater) and I'm trying to join a team at my gym.

For those who don't know about the ride, its sponsored by the American Diabetes Association and is a ride, not a race. Its an awesome atmosphere and I have enjoyed riding and raising money since 2006.

So why do we ride? To raise money to hopefully find a cure for this horrible disease and to support those whose lives have been changed by diabetes.

So why do I ride? To honor my mom. Need I say more?

I would love it if you would consider sponsoring me. No pressure and no minimum amount. Its truly the thought that you would support me and my mom that matters to me. Check out my website... http://main.diabetes.org/site/TR/TourdeCure/TDC051598030?px=2836172&pg=personal&fr_id=5570

I hope that link works. If not, let me know and I'll post directions on how to sponsor me. Thanks!!!

Will you still need me, will you still feed me?

Today is my Mom's birthday, she would have been 64 (hence the Beatles reference). I sang happy birthday to her with Lupe this morning. And even added her famous line "You're 64" to the end. :)

Its a big day for my brother and me. My brother's interview for the position in Geneva is today at 10 am. He and I talked about it in length over the weekend. If he gets it, he has a lot of decisions to make and wants me to help make them, act kind of like a sounding board I guess.

My evaluation is at 9 am. My boss has told me that I'm going to be happy, but honestly, I've heard that in the past and nothing really happens. I'm ready to move forward and would like to do it hear, but if they don't give me the chance, I'll have to consider my options.

But its a happy day because its a day to celebrate my Mom and the impact she had on the world, especially on her 2 children.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!! Love and miss you more than words can express!!!

Closing doors...

Don't they say that when a door shuts for you, another opens somewhere else? My question is, how do you find the door that has opened and how to secure the closed one to stay shut?

I realized today that sometime we think we make an impact on people's lives and we really don't. Its a painful thing to come to grips with and its bothering me today.

On a brighter note, today is my oldest friend's birthday. I met Jill when I was going into kindergarten and she was entering first grade. Her family moved to my street and my mom sent my brother and I over with brownies (or were they cookies?). Jay and I were too scared and shy to go over, so my mom had to walk us over. Over the years we had our spats and we grew apart, but Jill was my best friend growing up and she means a lot to me.

Tomorrow is my review and Jay's interview. We are both anxious about things, but its February 24th. We both believe that things happen for a reason. Why would both of these things be scheduled tomorrow if she wasn't looking down at us and didn't have good news coming our way?

Keeping my fingers crossed for both of us. We both could use some good news!!!

7:32 pm

Its one of those things that you just don't forget. 7:32 pm, Friday, February 3, 2006 is the moment my life changed in a way I never expected. It was when, surrounded by her husband, 2 children and sister, that she let go and moved on. I truly believe she waited to be in her home, surrounded by those who loved her most and then moved on to a place where there was no more pain, sickness and suffering.

7:32 pm. I stopped my watch at that very moment and have never warn it again. I remember the events of the day like it was yesterday. I could probably retell every moment. People have told me that it gets easier and the memories will fade. In some respects, maybe I believe them and in others I do not. I don't want it to be "easier" because living on without the single most influential person in your life isn't easy and that's okay. I don't want the memories to fade because I'm glad I can remember so much.

I don't dwell and I'm not stuck in a time 3 years ago. I'm a very different person than I was back then. In some respects I know she would be proud of me and in others she would be screaming at me for being so naive. But either way, she would still love me.

I love and miss you so much Mom!!!

Preparation for a solemn day

Tomorrow is my Mom's yahrzeit. For those who don't know what that is, it is the anniversary of someone's death. Jewish tradition follows the Hebrew calendar dates, so although she died on Februrary 3rd this year that corresponding Hebrew date is January 31st. (Every wonder why Jewish holidays fall on different dates each year? This is why...) Of course the significance of February 3rd is much stronger for me and my family, but so is the actual yahrzeit date.

Although tomorrow is the date of the yahrzeit, you begin observing at sundown the night before the actual day (another one of our little quirks I guess).

To mark it this year, I am leaving work early to go home and light a candle for her. Well, plug in the little yarzheit light I have...burning a candle for 24 hours isn't the safest thing to do. I'll read a couple of psalms in honor of her as well. Tonight I will go to temple and recite the Mourners' Kaddish. I called my Dad to remind him that he should go to temple, especially since they will read her name outloud to the congregation there. My brother is in Ethiopia right now but I'll send him an email to remind him as well.

Tomorrow will be a quiet day and I will surround myself with caring friends and my wonderful little Lupe. I really want Lupe around as she brings me so much happiness and my Mom absolutely adored her. I've noticed that I've started to call her by the nicknames my Mom did. Its a silly connection, but still a meaningful one.

Happy Friday all and enjoy your weekend!!!

Murphy's Law...

We all know this one, "If anything can go wrong, it will."

I must have tempted fate with my last post. Saturday, Dad was released from the hospital and sent to a rehab center which is quite close to his house. Its actually where Mom was almost 9 years ago after she had her big toe amputated. She didn't stay their long b/c she developed an infection and was sent back to the hopsital in Boston. I spent virtually every night that she was there sleeping in a chair in the corner of her room.

Anyways, it was the weekend so it was pretty quiet there, I think he was going a little stir crazy. Monday they started him with rehab and physical therapy. It wasn't easy, he had problems lifting 1 lb. weights, but its a first step. Well, I got a call yesterday that he had been sent back to the hospital b/c he was having tightness in his chest. The ambulance he was in was diverted to another hospital and he was eventually transferred to the first hospital he was supposed to go to anyways.

He is not in good spirits. They don't know why he is having pain but suspect it may be more fluid build up around his heart. He is back on lasix and waiting for results of some tests they ran yesterday and seeing if he has more tests to be run today. My brother is coming up tomorrow after work and I'm going to head in as well. I think Dad could use a good dose of the two of us to help get him through this tough time.

What's getting me through? Honestly, I don't know. I can tell you its not rest b/c I haven't had a good night sleep since all of this started almost a month ago. I'm just hoping that at some point my body just has enough and allows itself to rest and sleep. Until then, I keep going...that's all I can do.